Within the 'Situations Vacant' page of 'Hinduania International' daily, first, I came across this ad.
Applications invited for one position of senior sevak with following qualifications: 1.Age : max 75 yrs
2.Gender: Male
3.Colour of skin: black, brown, wheatish, fair, yellow but not white.
4.Language:
a.RWS --Hindi
b.- -S --Gujarati
5.Domicile: Preferably Gujarat
6.Edu: Sophist icate
7.Headgear : Hat ,not skullcap
8. Body measurements: height- 52", chest- 56"
9. Desirable:
a. Ability to identify citizens deportable to Pakistan.
b. Professing secularism, propagating Hinduania
c. Ablility to intone and scream, in private in public, 'Bharat Mata ki Jay', and to end all conversations and written texts with the invocation 'Jai Shri Ram'
d. Applicant must have sublimated his individuality into love for Hinduania to the exclusion of every thing else -hunger, family, ego... included.
e. Familiarity with the software, Pegasus
f. Proficiency in 'factswitching'- overlaying 'good' news over 'bad' news to quell the stench
JOB Description
a. Drawing up a schedule of activities deemed seditious.
b. To make history mutable through 'the present controlling the past and control of the past according control of the future.' The applicants need to be aware that 'Congress did not win India's freedom from the British, rather Nehru obtained it on a 99-year lease.' Hinduania needs to scrape history's palimpest clean to re-inscribe absolute freedom into history.
c. Write afresh the history of Hinduania and annihilate its 'dark' ages prior to 2014; the opportunity presented by the resultant historical vacuum to be availed to gradually push back the history of Hinduania further into the past. The ultimate goal is have 'Reality Control' ,and to shove Congressania down the memory hole. 'Forgotten' and 'unwilling' heroes are then to come to the fore of freedom movement.
d. Drawing up a unitary constitution for adoption by the legislature.
e. Propagating Hinduspeak as the lingua franca. For the information of applicants who may not be conversant with the term Hinduspeak, it means 'to simultaneously hold two opinions which cancel each other out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them' , like, in the past high fuel prices were bad for economy, but now a bonanza. Or take another example, pitch for double engine governments everywhere and believe in federalism.
f. Identifying 'pseudo-Hindus' ( the ones who don't wear a saffron robe) for 're-education' in the Savarkar Cell at Cellular Jail. Even torture them to re-live the pain Savarkar suffered in his '50' Yr Kalapani while writing his 'iconic' Hindutva manuscript.
g. To unearth unverifiable 'facts' to 'unperson' past heroes and 'doubleplusperson' 'forgotten' ones from the 'dark' ages.
h. To conceptualize a scheme whereby all fully unemployed, or in disguised unemployment, or in occasional employment to take to pakoda selling and export. Even drawing up legislation to make pakodas a compulsory snack at all official meetings, more such innovations to boost sales to be thought of.
i. To conjure strategies to abide by the motto 'minority hate is normal peace'.
j. To devise a SOP for breaking up protests that may include human shields and driving through protestors.
Later, a fortnight later, the advertiser again put in a notice in the same paper, this time a Thanksgiving note advising that 600 cr applications had been received.
