Indian Polls - canvassing through acronyms ,abbreviations

India is a terrific place to be in when polls are happening. In fact, aficionados of the      heat and dust of electoral battles need to    reside here full time for polls are as recurrent as annual visitations of  festivals, some  being held twice a year, eg Ramnavmi, Chath.

What makes ‘ poll watching ‘ in India singularly unique isn’t the innumerable fluttering banners or waving placards, or the crescendo of sloganeering, or the drumbeats of processions parading the streets or the interminable cavalcade of VIP cars rushing from one meeting venue to another , or the Rath Yatras or that typically Indian brew of all of the above rolled into one- Road Shows. It is in the use of an esoteric brand of political rhetoric , one that contrives acronyms and abbreviations to convey perfectly sensible and easily decipherable messages that its fascination lies. And the master craftsman is none other than PM, Mr Modi himself. This one from his UP assembly campaign bears eloquent testimony to his wizardry. 

The expectant crowd is asked 

‘Do you want a scam free India ? ‘

‘Yes’ rises the roar. 

‘Then do not vote S(Samajwadi Party)C(Congress)A(Akhilesh Yadav)M(Mayawati). ‘ And the two parties get ‘acronymed’ as scamsters .

Take another, this time his shisya, Amit Shah . He morphs the name of 26/11 terrorist ,Kasab , into an  abbreviation for Ka(का)Sa(सपा)B(बसपा). Who votes a terrorist  ? None ,so don't vote congress, SP, BSP , that simple is the messaging. True to form, Mr Modi has kick started the ‘abbreviationisation’ of political rhetoric for 2019 electoral season with सराब (alcohol) from स(सपा)रा(रालोद)ब(बसपा) , a rather laboured one on this occasion, but countered effectively by congress abbreviating नरेन्द्र मोदी ,अमित शाह as नशा (inebriation). Expect many more down the line ,the nation will soon be awash with ingenious acronym derivations .Rahul Gandhi and Sonia Gandhi could end up abbreviated as रस RAS) or रासो( RASO) of ‘The Prithviraj Raso’ epic of Chand Bardai fame or Gandhi-Nehru-Rahul-Sonia Gandhi foursome may be spoken of as ‘GAN(chi)NA(hru)RAhulSonia’ that is Ganna Ras .( Nehru is actually a corruption of the word ‘nahar’ ,canal . His forefathers settled near a nahar during the reign of Farrukh Siyar) 

The other striking feature of our poll campaigns is to discourse in terms of binaries . Electoral choices that get bandied about range from the coherent Naamdar (dynast)vs kaamdar(worker) (though why a naamdar cannot be a kaamdar too is never explained ), Sapoot (good son) vs Saboot (a son demanding proof for everything) , Majboot (strong)vs Majboor (helpless) , Gathbandhan(compound) vs Milawat(mixture)  , Matbhed (difference of views ) vs Manbhed (incompatibility), to the horrendous , Shamshan vs Kabristan, and the diabolic Ramzade vs Haramzade . 

Finally ,I wonder . Had Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump campaigned for Presidency on Indian soil, how would they have abbreviated their rhetorical skirmishes to suit Indian spice and flavour ? Let may paint one scenario. 

The ‘playboy’ Trump bragging of his feminine conquests to Billy Bush in a leaked video that also shows him exhorting ‘grab them by the .......’ , would have ignited Clinton in indignant outrage,

‘DON and his basket of deplorables ! ‘ hollers ,Hillary 

Drawing a sharp riposte from Trump, 

‘Just CHILL ‘ ( Clinton HILLary )

Well, look forward to new additions in the glossary of ‘Indified’ acronyms, abbreviations and catchphrases, the season has just begun . 

Have a good day.

Chowkidars rob and steal sleep

The nation has a new pastime, prefixing ‘Chowkidar’ to names. So General V K Singh may now be known as Chowkidar General V K Singh  or General Chowkidar V K Singh, whichever catches his fancy ; the latter ,though, would seem a climb down for a retired army chief.  Forgotten is the quibble over the body count of terrorists killed in Balakot or where exactly to place credit for safe return of Abhinandan -the 56” of Mr Modi, or Trump, or Xi, or Prince of SA, or UAE, or.....

Today ‘Chowkidar’ buzzes whether it be ‘Chowkidar Chor Hai’ or ‘Main Bhi Chowkidar’. The freshly minted Chowkidar Ravi Shankar Prasad , Law Minister, is euphoric. Mr Modi’s lonesome existence as Chowkidar is over. If the hashtag #MainBhiChowkidar on Twitter amassing 20 lakh tweets and 1680 cr impressions is any indication he has mammoth company.  If a mere 10% of those impressions sufficiently impressed people to take up chowkidari  not only the whole of India but significant number of chowkidars would still be left over to patrol rest of the world. Already , Chowkidar Prasad ,points out, one crore people have parroted ‘main bhi chowkidar’. Does the nation have that many chowkis to place them ? 

Still it does sound hugely comforting to have so many chowkidars suddenly erupt all around us. My own exposure to a chowkidar ,though, hasn’t been entirely salubrious. His nightly  rhythmic whack of stick on the road, ‘tuk, tuk, tuk ‘ accompanied by staccato bursts of the bellow, ‘Jagte raho, Jagte raho, Jagte raho’ would break Hynos’s spell just as it took hold. Miraculously I survived sleep deprivation but kept asking myself if people jagte rahe and be vigilant what for his services?  Further, twice a year, Holi and Durga puja, he called to claim

 the customary ‘parbi’  in cash. One Holi he demanded double of what we offered, we flatly refused and he left in a malevolent mood muttering foul curses under his breath.That night we slept soundly, uninterruptedly. The morning, however , brought no cheer for we found to our chagrin all the four cane chairs in the balcony gone, stolen. From the office of the Housing Society we learnt the chowkidar had not reported for duty the previous night. Eureka, that is why we had slept soundly. He was never seen again. Whether our loss of chairs had anything to do with his disappearance we shall never know but the coincidence lay heavy upon us for a while. 

That’s the problem with chowkidars , they won’t let you sleep in peace and they steal. Incidentally, the neo-converts to chowkidari are all ‘parbi’ dispensers unlike chowkidars of yesteryear who were a poor ‘parbi’ collecting lot. But then a suit boot ki sarkar needs suited booted chowkidars to go with it. 

More Chowkidars of PM, Mr Modi, fewer Chowkis to man

The nation has a new resolve-prefixing ‘Chowkidar’ to names. General V K Singh may now be known as Chowkidar General V K Singh  or General Chowkidar V K Singh, whichever catches his fancy ; the latter ,though, would seem a climb down for a retired army chief.  Forgotten in the hullabaloo surrounding this fad is the quibble over the body count of terrorists killed in Balakot or where exactly to place credit for safe return of Abhinandan -the 56” of Mr Modi, or Trump, or Xi, or Prince of SA, or UAE, or.....Good that such a sterile debate is buried. 

Today ‘Chowkidar’ buzzes in the hallowed precincts of power. If for a time ‘Chowkidar Chor Hai’ rippled ,now ‘Main Bhi Chowkidar’ convulses Bharat Mata. It seems Indians are in quest of a supra identity transcending all others, scrambling to onboard a voyage of re-discovery of self. And find all spiritual cues pointing to an unexceptional identity - Chowkidar. 

The freshly minted Chowkidar Ravi Shankar Prasad , Law Minister, is understandably euphoric. His party’s boss is ab initio a self-professed chowkidar. And now , if the hashtag #MainBhiChowkidar on Twitter amassing 20 lakh tweets and 1680 cr impressions is any indication he has mammoth company.  If a mere 10% of those impressions sufficiently impressed people to take up chowkidari  not only the whole of India but significant number of chowkidars would still be left over to patrol rest of the world. Already , Chowkidar Prasad ,points out, one crore people have chorused with gusto ‘eureka ,main bhi chowkidar’. Never mind that the nation may not have that many chowkis to place them, a triviality to be sorted out in due course. 

Anyway a most welcome lifeline has been thrown to the moribund institution of Chowkidar. Once upon a time , they counted. For the upper echelons in administration they were the first ‘port of call’ for goings-on in the locality, their eyes and ears so to say. With nose firmly to the ground, they kept mental notes of all happenings around them , reporting some , and exploiting most others for personal gratification in  a game of ‘soft’ blackmail - silence for cash. Much as the Church in France’s ancien regime collected tithes from peasants, chowkidars collected ‘parbi’ on festive occasions , the modern day equivalent being  ‘tip’ , reward for services rendered ,assumed to be rendered. 

Alas ! extension of constabulary deep into rural interiors and emergence of Security Companies to safeguard private property sounded their death knell. Guards replaced them. But the change came with a loss. Chowkidari being a  hereditary occupation generations after generations of them kept in touch with families in their beat ,something modern day guards can’t. Hence the leg up via #MainBhiChowkidar is terrific. The nation can surely do with a revenant chowkidar. 

It sounds hugely comforting to have so many chowkidars suddenly erupt all around us. Our personal exposure to a chowkidar, though ,wasn’t entirely salubrious. Half a century ago, when my father built his house on a plot allotted by a housing society the fear of theft always hovered in the air. Before us lay a wild expanse of barren paddy fields sparsely dotted with half constructed houses ; more pigs and cattle than homosapiens infested the area. The society had to engage a chowkidar. 

Every night the rhythmic whack of his stick on the road, ‘tuk, tuk, tuk ‘ accompanied by staccato bursts of the bellow, ‘Jagte raho, Jagte raho, Jagte raho’ would break Nidra Devi’s spell just as she embraced us. We remained awake till the tuk tuk and Jagte Raho sounds gradually waned and we could cajole Nidra Devi into re-enfolding us. He broke the stillness of night at least three times and interrupted our sleep that many times every night. Miraculously we survived sleep deprivation but kept asking the question if people jagte rahe and vigilant what for his services ? 

However, he remained in employ and kept knocking on our doors twice a year on Holi and Durga puja demanding his customary ‘parbi’  in cash. One Holi he demanded double of what we offered. He refused to take anything less, we refused to shell out anything more, a stalemate that remained unresolved. He left in a foul mood muttering curses under his breath.That night we slept soundly, uninterruptedly. The morning however brought no cheer for we found to our chagrin all the four cane chairs in the balcony gone, stolen. Too trifling a loss to report to the police we put in a word with the secretary of the society instead to inquire from the chowkidar if he doing the rounds had seen any suspicious movements. 

The chowkidar, he revealed, had not reported for duty the previous night. Eureka, that is why we had slept soundly. He was never seen again. Whether our loss of chairs had anything to do with his disappearance we shall never know but the coincidence lay heavy upon us for a while. Did he recoup the forgone parbi from our cane chairs ?

Yet, the quiet servile dignity of a chowkidar appeals. His battlecry ‘jagte raho’ was borrowed for the title of a blockbuster Bollywood classic featuring Raj Kapoor and Nargis. Bollywoodian plots created his stereotype and featured him in many films. Though infrequently, he shook it off to assume more melodramatic , even amorous roles . Dressed as a chowkidar, a botany professor, Parimal Tripathi, ‘chupke chupke’ fell for the charms of an irresistible dimpled, dulcet, chuiyee-muiyee, Sharmila Tagore. The 1974 movie ‘Chowkidar’ revolves around Shambhu ,the chowkidar, a character portrayed by Om Prakash with telling empathy.

But the chowkidar’s life is no bed of roses. Unnoticed, Sambhu ‘s sister living under his roof carries on a clandestine romantic affair with the village thakur and gives birth to an illegitimate child. Chowkidars like aam aadmi sometimes are amiss. However the millions of neo converts to chowkidari would like people to pay heed to Asha Bhosle song in the  film.

थोड़ा सा एतबार कीजिए 

फिर ज़रा सा इन्तज़ार कीजिए ......

If are queueing up to make the chowkidar self- declaration do bear in mind that whereas the chowkidar of yesteryear was a ‘parbi’ collector, the neo-convert is a ‘parbi’ dispenser. Where do you belong ? 

A Laxman Rekha for Rahul Gandhi ?

I fear for Rahul Gandhi. My neighbour foresees visitation of murderous consequences upon him for perennially crossing the Laxman Rekha. How can Rahul Gandhi strut about the country sloganeering “Chowkidar Chor Hai” ? Demeaning the PM is not mere irreverence but a blasphemy too , an insult to Bharat Mata. This is his perpetual refrain in our political jousts these days. That the Chowkidar too isn’t above hitting below the belt with more trenchant epithets does not pinch his shoes. 

I try to assuage his sense of hurt by pointing out that it’s the done thing in all liberal democracies nowadays and that there is a word for it ‘Trumpism’. In the good old days insults were inflicted by a play upon words or by subtle innuendos like this one. 

An MP said to PM, Disraeli : ‘Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.’ 

‘That depends, Sir,’ said Disraeli, ‘ whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.’

No longer. The flavour of post truth  times we live in is Trumpism- frontal assaults on opponents and certifying their vices by mere association. During the ‘heydays’ of Bofors scandal opponents of the PM screamed “Gali Gali Mein Shor Hai ,Rajiv Gandhi Chor Hai”. So, let’s not be overly sanctimonious, I counsel him. The profane not the urbane is the lingua franca of political discourse. 

Without ,of course, condoning use of epithets for political opponents, I venture a postulate - bad-mouthing in certain situations could be the difference between life and death and that is why leaders on the wrong side of political power divide take recourse to it. This folk tale from Bengal so aptly and succinctly illustrates the point. 

A wicked snake lived by a village road and frequently bit passers by. Villagers so dreaded the snake that they took all measures to avoid the stretch of road infested by it. One day a sage wishing to recruit disciples visited the village. The snake, fangs bared lay in wait , ready to strike. The sage spotted it but wasn’t intimidated. Unruffled, he asked “ you want to bite me ? Go ahead. If you happen to be the instrument of God to send me to swarg, I will only be too happy to be bitten . My deliverance from this earthly existence would be hastened .” 

The snake was taken aback, previously people fled at its sight, but here was a fearless one looking it in the eye. It felt shamed and powerless. The sage sensed a moral victory and after discoursing on the ethical way of living succeeded in persuading the wicked snake to abjure violence and then went his way. Thereupon the snake on sighting humans would sling away into the bushes. Gradually, villagers’ dread of the snake vanished. Urchins would now not run away but chase it and pelt it with stones. He suffered greatly and felt terribly miserable. 

Some time later the sage visited the village again to see how his newly baptised disciples were faring . The snake accosted him and bewailed, “ Holy man , as promised I lived the ideal non-violent life. But now villagers torment me. They catch me , twirl me by my tail and throw me afar, hit me with sticks and pour water into my snake-hole to ferret me out. My body is all bloody and bruised. But I have borne it all ,never once bitten anyone in retaliation. But if this continues I won’t survive long. What should I do “ 

“ I told you not to bite, but did I tell you not to hiss ? “ 

Do you get it ! 

PM, Mr Modi’s bid for a second term

The drum beats of our noisy electoral democracy can now be distinctly heard. The time for bandhans, gathbandhans, mahagathbandhans, milawats, and mahamilawats is past. Napoleons are sallying forth to do battle for Lok Sabha 2019, from them the masses will pick out a Bonaparte. What will influence their choice ? Past will matter, so will past performance. But none more than the present moment. The Napoleon Bonaparte may well be the one who will write a good script on the slate of the present moment , one so compelling that people will not read the old slate. And to do that he needs oratorical skills of the tallest order.

To that end, the Sankalp rally in Gandhi Maidan, Patna on 3rd March 2019 was a revelation. Mr Modi is several notches above his rivals in that department. Here’s a snapshot, judge for yourself. 

‘Modi ! Modi ! Modi ! ‘ rises the tumult as he enters the grounds ; ‘Bharat Mata Ki Jai’ ,bawls the  rumbustious crowd in front as he steps onto the stage. Has he, the eleventh avatar of Vishnu to some, subsumed ‘Bharat Mata’ too ? So it seems. He takes the mike and commands the ginormous throng to chorus ‘Bharat mata ki Jai’ ,one , two, three times before he launches into a blistering, unforgiving assault on opposition. The boisterous crowds in the front enclosures respond enthusiastically, flailing arms wildly they yell and yell, the resulting  clamour so intense that the ground under shakes. Spell-bound, the crowd latches onto his every word, cheers lustily, breaks into hypnotic spells of ‘Modi ! Modi ! Modi !’ and ‘BMKJ’ . His diatribes keep igniting sparks of spontaneous applause. I recall ,not so long ago at this very venue in 2013 , exploding bombs had failed to break his bromance with the crowd, it stayed put while he spoke on without missing a train of thought. Nothing has changed since. 

Lalu Yadav may quibble over the numbers in the crowd, undoubtedly lesser than what his landmark ‘garib rally’ mustered. What, however, matters is the emotional resonance Mr Modi whipped up. Besides, the ‘absentee’ crowd is of no consequence. When Giriraj Singh dubs them ‘deshdrohis’ and Pakistan lovers he leaves unsaid - they are to be pushed into Pakistan. And the Srinagar-Muzaffarabad road as well as Lahore airport are now open to traffic. 

Mr Modi combines ineluctable oratory with an uncanny sense and feel of the moment, its pulse, and above all , an ability to modulate its rhythm and beat to serve his political purposes. Generously spliced with a ‘mahamilawat’  of fact, fiction, half-truths ,if not subterfuge, it treads a fine line between oratory, demagoguery and rabble-rousing. Mulayam, Navin Patnaik, Mamata, Mayawati are powerful leaders but with a limited gift of the gab. It much circumscribes their pan India appeal. 

And that makes Mr Modi not just complacent but cocksure of imminent return to power. He speaks the language of a victor. In his last soliloquy , ‘Man ki Baat’ , he invited the audience to his next one in May, that is after the polls. The opposition is challenged to table its next no-confidence motion against his government in 2024. That ‘Hindu Hridyay Samrat’ is destined to sculpt a Hindu India is an unshakeable article of faith among his fans. Doubting Thomas es may whistle in the dark. 

However, the problem with potent orators is the potential their magical spell carry to inveigle listeners into believing the diabolic - the Robespierre's wisdom “ terror is nothing else than justice ,prompt, secure and inflexible” ; or the absurd - a loan of Rupees one lac crore from Japan for a bullet train is ‘almost free’;  or that demonetisation is a Robin Hoodian act of snatching from the rich to give to the poor ; or that an increment in national pride gained by raising the tallest statue in the world is more edifying than putting food in a begging bowl. 

It creates an asymmetry, highlighting the script on the present slate and blurring that on the old slate. When Mr Modi bellows in Sankalp rally “जब हमारी सेना सीमा के पार आतंकियों को कुचलने में लगी है...... मैं कांग्रेस  और उसके सहयोगी दलों से पूछना चाहता हूँ कि वे क्यों वीर जवानों का मनोबल तोड़ने में लगे हैं ?” , the people will not read that a CM, Modi ducked a caveat on VVIP presence during ongoing  army operations against 26/11 terrorists to address the press in Mumbai on 27/11 and express his deep disappointment with the PM. Or that contrary to the prevailing zeitgeist of ‘lionising’ security forces he, even three hours after Pulwama attack, failed to solace bereaved families of killed jawans, not even a mention in his address at an election rally the same evening. Also erased from the old slate will be the grim fact that not one elected representative, ‘Sushasan Babu’ and ‘Chota Modi’ included, paid their last respects to Pintu Singh, the slain jawan at Patna airport on Friday, or at the cremation grounds in Begusarai on Sunday ,except Upendra Paswan, the Bakhri MLA from RJD. Knee-deep in politics, skin-deep in love for soldiers. When ‘mahagathbandhan’ is decried as ‘mahamilawat’ , the crowd is expected to turn blind to NDA’s own pot-pourri of 40 parties including the Afzal Guru glorifying PDP and mercurial Shiv Sena.

Going forward, Mr Modi’s oratorical skills will come in handy to camouflage ‘Grapes of Wrath’ that blot NDA’s five years- farmers’ distress, a 45-year high in unemployment ,and an economy settling into a new ‘Hindu’ growth rate of 7% under the new GDP series, to name a few ‘wrathful grapes’. Will the rhetorician , Modi, be able to deflect attention away to highfalutin abstract notions of national hubris, cultural nationalism, global standing ? Can he do what Anytus and co-accusers did to earn Socrates’ lament at the trial  ‘ I know that they almost made me forget who I was -so persuasively did they speak  and yet they have hardly uttered a word of truth.’

That is the challenge Mr Modi poses to his opponents. Will they be able to blunt popular appeal generated by Mr Modi’s rhetoric surrounding immediate events like terror attacks and plethora of nation-wide unrolling of projects and foundation layings at the fag end of his tenure by baring the ‘wrathful grapes’ ? Mr Ram Vilas Paswan’s expose- post aerial strike Mr Modi’s chest has expanded to 156” and ‘Chota’ Modi’s assertion that even ten hawks were no match for the lion Modi won’t make the task any easier.

My neighbour with whom I have regular political jousts entertains no doubts ; Mr Modi ,he says , is a GOAT ! Since he never tires of lionising him, I thought GOAT was a bit of a let down . Till he explained, 

GOAT - Greatest of all time .