2016 : Different Strokes

Thank God! Despite all the grieving over global warming, climate change, Brexit, Hillexit, TrumpIn ...there is still a blue sky above us and no apocalypse in sight. We shall continue our mundane existence and, in all likelihood, end up doing more of the same thing as we did last year, be it in our personal lives or our professions. Even in politics, our MOS, the hon. Kiren Rijiju with the authority of Nostradamus behind leaves countrymen in doubt that political and media spaces, will remain babelesque with shrill screeches of Modigasm and its counter, PoMoneModi (GoAwayModi). 

 “French prophet Nostradamus wrote that from 2014 to 2026, a man will lead India, will bring golden age not only in India but on the entire world. Under his leadership, India will not only just become the Global Master, but many countries will also come into the shelter of India.” Rijiju

Heraclitus said “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.” How true! As the hedonism of New Year revelry tapers off and the 365 days of 2017 stare at us,we find many loved ones just not there; their sound bytes that so profoundly affected the mood and the mind at the moment they were spoken reduced to dry, impersonal quotes; and the ripples in the flow of our lives dying out into remembrances,bitter and sweet, skeletons which  
memory, on recall, fleshes out. With the efflux of time even memories fail, fetching just pieces of bone out of the skeletons, the flesh lost irretrievably in the deep and dark recesses of mind. However ,the uncommon, quaint ,the crooked hits, not straight drives down the memory lane have greater longevity even in public memory. 

So, when I ruminate over 2016 the mind gets swiftly crowded out with what is seemingly bizarre or absurd, ones that tickle the mind and titillate. For instance, the US presidential campaign may have 
seen very many sublime moments but Hillary Clinton calling the Trump team a ‘basket of deplorables’ or Donald  Trump calling women fat pigs or a bimbo find instant recall. Likewise, many 
strokes nearer home landed way beyond the ‘normal’ boundary line. From myreads across the web 
and print, I have woven a tapestry of the naughty, nutty, no-nos of 2016. A word of caution, the narrative is as authentic as the sources from which it has been culled. And I impute no value judgments. Read on, please.

They said it......

We are a chattering people running a real risk of slipping from gushing, gossipy no nothings to frothing balderdash. Early on in 2016, Gyan Dev Ahuja, BJP MLA from    Rajasthan     gave us a timely reminder of this imminent danger. His stunning expose on JNU read,

 ‘जेएनयू में रोजाना सिगरेट के 10,000 और बीड़ी के 4,000 जले हुए टुकड़े मिलते हैं। हड्डियों के छोटे-बड़े 50,000 टुकड़े, चिप्स-नमकीन के 2,000  पैकेट और 3,000 इस्तेमाल किए हुए कंडोम। वहां वे हमारी बहनों और बेटियों के साथ गलत करते हैं। वहां गर्भनिरोध के इस्तेमाल किए हुए 500 
इंजेक्शन भी मिले हैं।’

 आहूजा ने दावा किया कि परिसर में रोजाना शराब की 2,000 बोलतें और बीयर के 3,000 से ज्यादा कैन भी मिलते हैं।

उन्होंने सवाल कि‘इन्हें कौन पीता है? अनुमान लगाएं। रात आठ बजे के बाद परिसर के भीतर छात्र नशा करते हैं। जेएनयू में पढ़ने वाले लोग बच्चे नहीं हैं, बल्कि उनमें से कई दो बच्चों के अभिभावक हैं। ये लोग दिन में शांति प्रदर्शन में हिस्सा लेते हैं और रात को अश्लील नाच करते हैं।’ 

One was left wondering - was Mr Ahuja in between winning elections spending his time counting
used condoms? Nasty business this. Mr Ahuja  asserts he has proof to back his findings, so he may still have the last laugh;  till then it remains one more unfinished business of 2016 carried forward.

Well, forget Mr Ahuja, there were sweeter quotes too, look at these

1. Ram Gopal Verma found a simpler way for  Mallya  to redeem his debt  "I think Vijay Mallya….should give one bikini beauty to every bank he owes and square off all his debts"
2. Virodh or Nirodh? K S Puttamaih, lone MLA of Sarvodaya Karnataka Paksha, not invited to an all-party meet called by CM rued " the CM invites only virodha paksha. I am excluded as I am from Nirodh paksha"
3. Twinkle Khanna on 'Koffee with Karan'. Asked what her husband had that the Khans did not   " a few extra inches". Before Karan's imagination could run riot, she clarified-height.
4. Sidhuism, NS " if you succeed there are rewards, if you fail you can always write a book" 

The year had its fair share of comments dripping in wit, mock  and sarcasm.

1. Mamta Banerji during WB poll " I am the candidate in all 294 seats" 
2. To a twitterati seeking help to fix his defective Fridge, Sushma Swaraj replied " “Brother I can’t help you in matters of a refrigerator. I am very busy with human beings in distress." 
3. Modi on note ban "Congress ne chawanni band Ki, tab kisine ne poocha tha kya? Unhone apni 
4. barabari ka Kaam kiya, maine apna"
   

Most esoteric  title for a novel 

If and when Twinkle Khanna writes a book it will be titled 'Tentacles to Testicles'. That’s what she said on Koffee with Karan”. But no word yet on when she intends to put pen to paper. Did she leave Karan Johar to  weave a dirty plot around tentacles and testicles? But one thing is sure   ,the words rhyme as well as chime in with her persona.

'Uncommon' discoveries 

Every year has something new to offer - break- throughs in ideation and thoughts, science and technology, products and marketing and new physical discoveries. A few prove game-changers and some end up stupefying or tantalising the mind.

1. Donkey cheese. A donkey laden with gold may still be a donkey but if her udders are full of milk she is worth more than her weight in gold. One litre of donkey milk costs £34 and a kilo of donkey cheese £880. It is the latest in high end nutrition, doubters may confirm from D  Djokovic, the tennis ace who is said to have bought a year's world supply of donkey cheese. No 
2. donkey business, 
3. Mars is a site pregnant with clues of existing or past life. Earlier evidence of rings and gloves was sighted ,2016 added a spoon to the unending inventory of clues. 
4.  After Baba Ramdev claimed gold in cow urine some years ago, Dr Hitesh Joshi of Jamnagar Gujarat Ayurveda University, discovered that belching of foreign breed cows destroys the Ozone layer . Not our desi breeds though.

Self -abnegation of the year 

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar refused to be a candidate for Nobel Prize as it is 'no politics' for him. A wisecrack attributes Sri Sri 's disinterest in the prize to Swedish Academy’s obduracy in not renaming the prize , Nobel Nobel Prize’

Auction of the year

PM, Mr Modi's much hyped monogrammed suit entered Guinness Book of World Records “as most expensive suit sold at an auction.” It may be recalled that the specially tailored suit with  pinstriped name of Mr Modi that he wore  during Mr Obama’s visit to India was officially auctioned for charity. Mr Laljibhai Tulsibhai Patil from Surat, Gujarat, bought it for a whopping ₹4.3 crs.

Most ‘treasured’ burglary 

When burglars break into temples south of Vindhyas gold is what they look for as much has been spoken of tons of gold stashed in  vaults of temples  in South India. But those  who broke into Mariamman temple carted away another booty-70 bags containing 800 kg of human hair estimated to fetch the thieves close to Rs10 million. Devotees' hair collected after  tonsure ceremonies performed in temples is another source of temple wealth. 

Don’t get fat tells Kerala   

In a move to discourage consumption of fatty junk foods like burgers and pizzas Kerala govt has levied a 14% 'fat' tax on fast food chains. Kerala takes cares of  your waist by dipping into your purse .

Novel protest 

MNREGA workers in Latehar, Jharkhand found a novel way of protesting the measly rise of ₹5 in daily wage. They mailed ₹ 5 to PM who 'needed it more' 

Academic subject-part or entire

Do universities teach a subject in ‘part’ or in its entirety? The question came up in relation to PM, Mr Modi’s academic Degree. After much fussing about , it was put  in public domain. It turns out he holds a degree in 'Entire Political Science'. In contrast, did the university grant other students degrees in an abbreviated ‘Political Science’?

There's more to come but for now let’s end on a humorous note

Heard at the payment counter of a cashless Sulabh Sauchalaya "Sir , hold back  till  connectivity is restored  "